I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
okay run it by me one more time
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.