What sound does a cow make?
Good, a duck?
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy

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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!


There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.


Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other


SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.


“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world


A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.


When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.


I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.