@Shade510

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

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@Fickle_Filly

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

@Douchekevin

SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…

@atDevin

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@OneFunnyMummy

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

@_sweet_ham

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

@LlamaInaTux

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.