What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.