What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

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Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.




Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??


Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.


The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.


TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*


If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.


i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years


*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.


*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”


I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.


Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.