I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”
[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.