What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

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I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.


SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…


What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.


[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain


The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”


Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.


Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home


Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.


I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.