Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.
The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.