The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.