@amydillon
@curlycomedy
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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@curlycomedy
@JohnLyonTweets
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
@HarryRamble
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
@JustMeTurtle
Sometimes you just want a movie that you don’t need to pause when ya leave the room, thanks Adam Sandler.
@EJGomez
LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol
@daemonic3
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
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@Reverend_Scott
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
@Smooheed
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
@TheMichaelRock
Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.