@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

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@EliTerry

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

@ElleOhHell

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

@SteelFontana

Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.

@KentWGraham

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

@SortaBad

Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*

@ddsmidt

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

@Cheeseboy22

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

@rockymomax

BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
ME: no
JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?

@jjhartinger

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.