@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

@HarryRamble

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

@JustMeTurtle

Sometimes you just want a movie that you don’t need to pause when ya leave the room, thanks Adam Sandler.

@EJGomez

LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol

@daemonic3

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

@

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@Reverend_Scott

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

@Smooheed

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

@TheMichaelRock

Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.