“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything