What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.