What the heck are these guys looking at!?

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Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.


Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????


*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”


Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.


HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT