@FacesPics

What the heck are these guys looking at!?

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@WhiteVictimacy

Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies

@nbadag

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

@MartaEffing

This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.

@MartaEffing

We both want it.
My lips part.
His do, too.
The tension pulsates.

“I’ll take the one w/ sprinkles!”

And that’s how I got the last one.

@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

@Mindless4Miles

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

@UnFitz

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

@SeanBlazed

IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I