We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.