What the heck are these guys looking at!?

Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.

We both want it.
My lips part.
His do, too.
The tension pulsates.

“I’ll take the one w/ sprinkles!”

And that’s how I got the last one.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I

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