Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@michaelianblack

How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?

@KamanCider

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.

@Buffalojilll

Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????

@SardonicTart

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

@DrRocktopoid

Die Hard VIII: Die Even More Harder: Mostest Harderest.

@BunAndLeggings

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

@dorsalstream

[shakes fist at other fist]

@ItsGoTQuote

who did this 😂

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

@delmolition

Just bought Rosetta Stone for Starbucks.