What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be

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I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse


Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”


I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”


I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.


Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.


If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.


I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.


Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.