One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m not wrong
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Single and childfree like Jesus
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.