@DaddyJew

What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be

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@Gitwitcha

I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse

@9GAG

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

@Not_a_JesusGirl

I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

@dadmann_walking

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

@Contwixt

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

@HatesNiceThings

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

@Dirty_Naomi

I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.

@thejessbess

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.