“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?