@sgothreau

What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.

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@PaperWash

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

@mishakey

Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.

@FU_TangClan

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

@theshamingofjay

“Sit”
dog sits

“Down”
dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

@Shock_Monster

Me: That the new iPhone?
Him: Yup! The 5S!
Me: What’s the difference?
Him: The C stands for “Cheap”
Me: What about the S?
Him: “‘Spensive”

@2Saddington

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

@theaisokay

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time