*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.
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All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
pilot: yes I do
dog lays down on floor
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids
Me: That the new iPhone?
Him: Yup! The 5S!
Me: What’s the difference?
Him: The C stands for “Cheap”
Me: What about the S?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.