Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
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having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Still my favourite meme.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Not messing around
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying