What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
You Might Also Like
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.