@ESXIII

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

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@SamGrittner

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

@weinerdog4life

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

@Spaziotwat

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

@MartaEffing

Her: I love your lip gloss. What brand is it?
Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It’s donut glaze.

@MomOfTeen

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

@taramae72

I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”

You’re welcome.

@RiverClegg

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim