For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
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We’ve all been there…
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that