I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You Might Also Like
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣