What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
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Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.