What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
So creative 😂
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Introverted vegans go meetless
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.