What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer