What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun