What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)