@burntmybagel

What tribe is your bicep from?

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@jazmasta

“David you’re late again!”
“Sorry boss..”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]
“…traffic”

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@Lovestained555

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

@FredTaming

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

@Kristen_Arnett

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

@Marlebean

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

@shwebby3

Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term?

Oh… *Tosses tissues in the trash*

@daemonic3

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict