@Blindedbythemyk

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

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@brandonIee

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

@iSamJack

It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.

@JosesLovesYou

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

@CYComedy

Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@Angibangie

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

@themiltron

scientist 1: how did you discover that dolphins have sex for pleasure?

scientist 2: [flashback to the craziest night of their life] math

@ArfMeasures

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?