What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.