What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
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If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!