What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The photographer’s assistant
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds