Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

respect

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened