What we study in class vs. what’s on the exam paper

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Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho


My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.


I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!


Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together


divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation


My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2018. Im already at $6.23


Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.


ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t


‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’


‘Not quite that excited.’


Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug