@SteadyFlyer

What we study in class vs. what’s on the exam paper

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@julietactually

Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho

@StellaGMaddox

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

@marinhubka

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

@iatemuggles

divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation

@TrinaBadu

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2018. Im already at $6.23

@TheWeirdWorld

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

@panmidwest

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

@bingowings14

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

@rebrafsim

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug