Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.