Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
You Might Also Like
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews