Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Real House Wines.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
There’s only one good girl here!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
#dalle2
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.