@Eric_Nikiforov

What will it take to reunite Nirvana?

Two more bullets.

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@parttimewinner

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

@chadopitz

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

@ItsDanSheehan

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

@ArfMeasures

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

@samhithere

“Body of Christ.”

“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

My 40 yard dash time: 5.5

My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3

@cydbeer

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

@3sunzzz

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

@mela_shea

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

@mcs212

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.