doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
What will it take to reunite Nirvana?
Two more bullets.
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
“Body of Christ.”
“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”
My 40 yard dash time: 5.5
My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.