What will it take to reunite Nirvana?

Two more bullets.

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doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream


Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.


Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool


“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote


“Body of Christ.”

“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”


My 40 yard dash time: 5.5

My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3


What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use


Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.


[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.


Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.