@Darlainky

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

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@primawesome

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

@vikkaroni

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@errdayhustlah

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

@IvoryGazelle

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

@iGreenMonk

I got a dig bick.

You that read wrong.

That awkward when you read that wrong too.

And said ‘moment’ after awkward.

This is awkward.

@Eightinchgoat

Fun trick:

Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.

@KeetPotato

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

@juliussharpe

Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

@kingstonstreet

The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword