What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
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I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.