What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.