“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
how it started vs how it ended
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No