“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

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Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??


friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?


I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/


If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.


[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs


Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade


When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.


[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*