“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’