@TravLeBlanc

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

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@WetzelGeek

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

@Michael1979

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

@thedadvocate01

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

@ceejoyner

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

@Pumpkinbabypie

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

@VisionBored1

We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.

@Staggfilms

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

@Gre_Gone

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

@ch000ch

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

@ItsAllBollocks

Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks