Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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Does anyone on here know how to “unhook” Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*