What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy