When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
What would u do if u won the lotto?
10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.
Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[pitching a tent]
INVESTOR: this really isn’t a new idea
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”