I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
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My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point