@amazymay72x

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.

Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

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@kelkulus

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

@TweetPotato314

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

@mrs_campfire

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

@PinkCamoTO

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

@LoneWolfStories

It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.

@junejuly12

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

@Book_Krazy

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

@sheseemslegit

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”