“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share