WELL PLAYED, SIR
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My brain is a bad influence on me
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
* Eats chip
* Almost chokes to death
“Woah that was scary”
* Eats another chip
A salad is a bunch of things bribing you to eat lettuce.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself