@bea_ker

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

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@OtherDanOBrien

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

@shutupmikeginn

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

@joeljeffrey

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

@ksecaw

* Eats chip

* Almost chokes to death

“Woah that was scary”

* Eats another chip

@pilau

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what