WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Not helping
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.