What?
You Might Also Like
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”