Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Its true…
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.