@longwall26

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

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@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@Mr_Kapowski

*ring*
Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline

Me: Help please

Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out

Me: THIS ISN’T HELPING

@sixfootcandy

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

@Jamberee13

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

@daemonic3

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

@The_Amazon_Eve

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

@thenatewolf

Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

@jonnysun

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive