“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”

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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it


Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.


If she says “well you’re too busy to chat so have a good day”

..what she means is she hopes it’s a good day for your hair to catch on fire.


about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day


I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.


ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner


“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.


Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco


Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.