[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
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Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline
Me: Help please
Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out
Me: THIS ISN’T HELPING
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
DATING TIP: Size does matter! Tell her how big your TV is.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive