“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
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[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*