#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
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A leaf blower, but for people.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
That’s fair
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Well, that didn’t work.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
i love modern commerce
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On