What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
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Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
shampoo implies shampee
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.