“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
You Might Also Like
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.