I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.