Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
So glad we cleared that up
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.