@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

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@sulkywhitegirl

I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.

@AimeeHelene1

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

@FlyoverJoel

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

@Henry_3k

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

@NerishaLakha

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@WilliamAder

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

@BruceForce

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

@delusionaliam

If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.