Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
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– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.