@jctwritesstuff

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

- @jctwritesstuff

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@DirtyySouthMess

[To police.]

“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”

“What’d he do?”

“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”

“…Cuff him.”

@asimplesean

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@donewithalll

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

@Leslie_Annie

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

@ilikeyouguys

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

@junejuly12

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

@Home_Halfway

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

@GrimReaperInc

The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.

@badbanana

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”