@lazerdoov

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

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@The_Albinoshrek

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

@AmishPornStar1

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

@LiftHeavyAndRun

@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.

@MomofTeen

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

@ScorpionDong

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”

[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]

@Home_Halfway

[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

@krisv_723

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

@Tmoney68

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*