I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”
[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*