Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

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I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed


Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.


@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.


My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.


“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking”

[pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]


[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out


I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.


Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.


As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*