Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
🏙👨🏼
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?