@Ellierocks2013

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

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@1Happytwit

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

@clichedout

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

@mommy_cusses

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

@hipchkk

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

@realHamOnWry

The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.

@flaccidumbrella

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

@envydatropic

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

@HomeProbably

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

@briangaar

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever