If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Best courtroom exchange ever.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever