@Ellierocks2013: Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of
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@DadZZZasleep: [on phone] me: honey I won some free tickets wife: cool, for what? me: speeding and resisting arrest wife: never heard of them
@TheHyyyype: [my future self comes back in time] HIM: here's every sports score for the next 20 years ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
@HelloJessicaFox: I'm going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they'll eat out of my hand.