Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
You Might Also Like
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.