“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
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My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
This could be us, but you weedin’.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation