Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
me opening up to someone
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*