elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”