Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians
Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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“& what are your strengths.”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
windows 8: i got some updates
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover
Her: Yeah? Prove it.
H: What is the first sentence in it?
M: “Do not remove from motel”
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”