@causticbob

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

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@captainkalvis

Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians

Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back

@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

@sonictyrant

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

@LaniBeno

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

@thomas_violence

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

@Cryptic1iam

Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover

Her: Yeah? Prove it.

M: How?

H: What is the first sentence in it?

M: “Do not remove from motel”

@jordan_stratton

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

@D_empiricist

If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree